It's 2:40am (AEDT) Friday...
Monday I saw the Dok... not my regular >>AWESOME<< GP as she has been away for over a month... back next week. I got my 'scripts for OxyCodone (OxyContin / OxyNorm / MS-Contin / Endone etc; etc; rar-rar-rar-rar-rar.
Within 24hrs I ran out of nearly 1months supply of O.C, falling in and out of conscience... at times on the nod, waking up briefly with a (near-full) cup off coffee which I nearly split all over myself and my couch... spoons, swabs, filters and 'fits all over the place (even still stuck up my arm!!!).
Tonight I went to NA for the first time in weeks and it was fab... then only a few hours out of the meeting, I was back at home having one Valium... then two... then five... then before I knew it, ingested half a box of them... can't get meds for quite some time now...
So, it is time to bite the bullet, see my regular GP next week when I see her and tell her about it... I hate it. Insomnia sucks - how can one get though is when one must go so long before getting more? More to the point, how can one deal with chronic back pain for almost one month without anything? Not only the pyhsical-pain but the mental pain associated with it - the discomfort, lethargy, "hanging out" and inability to do what many people call "normal" such as making a coffee... even watching television...
Time to finally open up, tell the GP how bad things have gotten and try find some barriers to put in place such as getting a script where I can only be given a reduced amount of my drugs so if I do abuse them, I don't have to wait nearly a month - in some cases with certain meds nearly two-months. Perhaps ask for a pharmacist who will give me only an allocated amount of each drug each time. I hate it.
Sad thing is that I only attended my latest N.A meeting last night (Thursday) which was really quite positive... only to go home feeling nice and refreshed, full of hate of addiction and my "hook-ups".
I have no idea what to do... I'm an addict... I hate it... I just want normality in my life - freedom from the abuse of drugs and revert back to the old days of only a few months ago where I could handle taking them AS PRESCRIBED... I missed that feeling.
Think of the average 9-to-5 worker who will settle down on a Friday night to some cold bevvies with friends in moderation... how I wish for that. Drugs at the moment are my God... Saviour... Best friend... Lord of Lords... King of Kings...
Only fear I have of this is that when I open these can of worms, there is a possibility that the GP will but a "blanket ban" on prescribing, though hopefully she has somewhat more compassion than than. So far she has no idea of the level of my acciction... I run out and I simply live in psychical, mental and psycholgical pain, not allowing me to do the simplest of tasks...
High time to put down on paper my exact feelings on these evil, evil drugs... besides, if I set it up properly though a pharmacist to only give me a few days worth each time I may have a change, yet I also want to get rid of the rigmarole. I want to - as long as I stay on these evil, disgusting drugs - start to learn to se them as prescribed... 1 daily... slowly decrease my intake of the "poisioinous drugs" and return to a "normal" society, free of drugs that control my life.
Sorry for the typos and perhaps the "WTF?" thoughts you may harbour...
I want to be clean and free.. able to live a "normal" life free of drugs, the ability to actually doing stuff that "normal" people do without the aid of drugs.
How can I do it? Fess up to the Doc that I'm really really stressed lately, unable to enjoy life, have motivation issues as such? It sucks. Some people say Heroin is the hardest to come off... so not the case... ask me and the pharmaceuticals are much easier to get what with having a valid reason to get off them.
As you can tell, I am stuffed at the moment (guess that's what happens when you've taken 175mg of tranqs in less than 24hrs... sucks...
Once upon a time, if you use drugs - be it legal (prescription) - or otherwise - the Black Market or prescriptin-abuse, Doktor shoping etc;.
I WANT OUT!!! IT SUCKS!!!
I need to turn to my Higher Power (Roman Catholic God) -something I have found it hard to do - to gain strength to use my meds as prescribed so I don't get the discomfart of withdrawal, craving, hanging out for close to one month...
I am simply too scared to talk of these thins... part of me says that once I tell the GP of my selfish, self-centered love affair, she may no longer prescrbed as I'm addict, though if I tell my story of joining NA, that may help.
Only other two options is to ride it out for a month and hope I don't get so angsty I cover my windows with Al-foil, become more a recluse than I was or, God forbid, suicide.
Maybe I can put a spin on it, by-pass the GP and head to casualty, telling them my GP is on holidays an can't find another Dok to prescribe for me in the area... how can one go without medication HE NEEDS???
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